We spend a lot of our adult lives living up to the predictions of our youth, and as a result we become a bit paralyzed in the versions of what we "should be" instead of what we "are." And as I begin to discover what I really love about myself, my time, my family, I uncover new truths and treasures about myself.
Who would have guessed I would love to crochet, sew, garden, and craft? Who would have guessed I would be most comfortable in jeans, tweed jackets and cowboy boots? Who would have guessed I would find such peace in the silence of our almost-country neighborhood at night?
In New York, I spent a lot of time racing - racing to the subway, racing to work, racing to the top. It was easy to compare myself to the Jones' (who had better degrees, better titles, better salaries, better apartments). I realize now that I spent a lot of time concerning myself with what others thought, because that's what you do in New York. You worry about whether or not your a good citizen, a good employee, a good parent - not because those things are important to you (though they may be) but because everyone is at least one step ahead. Pride, fear, and envy were my vices. I know that now, and as a result I occasionally, not always, but occasionally made poor decisions. I should have swallowed my pride, and taken advantage of the educational opportunity that was offered to me all those years ago. I should have worried less about the minor salary adjustment and jumped at the chance to work with someone I adored in a job that would have been right up my ally. But I worried, oh how I worried.
But for some reason, in the last two years - who am I kidding - in the last six months, I'm realizing that my life is (or could be) so much simpler than all that.
I don't want to wear black pumps and carry a Coach bag. I don't care to be called "doctor" someday, just for the sake of being called "doctor." I don't want to spend long hours at work at the risk of losing long hours at home.
Though these ideas may be part of the fabric of who many are, they are radically new to me. And, sometimes I don't recognize the person I see in the mirror.